Alifah Amelya



Finally I've managed to sum up my courage to write this post. I hate to do this but at one point I feel obligated to do it. I tried to share it with my friends but somehow I can't utter a single word from my mouth. So maybe blogging can help to lift off some weight from my shoulder. Frankly speaking, I've been hesitating to write this post for almost a week now. But at last I decided to put it up after a series of interesting events that cleared my cluttering head. Running was always the shortest way out but eventually it will catch up to me. So what the heck…

*clearing throat*

So here goes nothing….

Sharing my emotions with the people around me was never an easy task. I think it has something to do with my ego. *how to know for sure ah?* I hate to show my weaknesses in front of people. It makes me feel very vulnerable and helpless. I usually will put up a tough and sturdy mask over my face to hide it. Sometimes I feel like tones of heavy duty bricks piled up in my head but as usual I will keep it to myself. It's ok for me actually because I always have a way to overcome it.

For instance, I will drive around town in my car *my precious Sagawara to be exact* just to cool off my head and start thinking a solution; or I will bury myself in bed the whole day wishing that the answer will came into my dream. Sometimes it takes 1 minute for me to sort things out; sometimes forever. But in any case, I know I will somehow find a way out.

But this time it's different; totally different. I can't find the way. I'm lost.

I don't know where my life is heading to or where I'm supposed to go. I don't know what I want.

I don't want to live an ordinary life; graduating - get a job - make money - buy my dream car - get married - have children and so on. For me that's a dull life.

I tried to make my life more interesting; going out with my friends every other night to have fun but I know I'm just chasing down temporary high. It will never last. So I tried setting up my own business but after 5 months, it's proven to be futile because my heart is not on it. I know now that is not what I want.

Looking back in my 22 years of life, I'm trying to figure out what I have accomplished. None. Zero. Nada. I have done nothing significant or groundbreaking in my life. I feel very ashamed of myself. Some people at my age have already bought their own cars; make a fortune for living or established their own brand or clothes line. Right now I don't want any fame or fortune. Honestly, I don't know what my heart wants. Clueless. *sigh* I think I'm going in circles.

I could recall that once I actually do have a dream. I dreamed that one day I will be a vet then travel to Serengeti [a National Park in Africa] to aid and protect the endangered animal species there; take care of a baby orphan leopard or maybe just monitoring the rhino's population*as a result of watching too much Animal Planet I guess ha3*. But somewhere along the road that dream died. I don't know when or why. I didn't even realize it.

So, at this point I still don't know what I want. Should I try to chase back my old dream? Or should I just laid back and wait for changes?

I think the reason I don't know what I want is that I haven't truly understand myself. I really envy people that prefer to live a simple and plain life, expecting nothing more out of it. If only my mind can be as simple as theirs. But I don't want to live a simple life; I know I was meant to do something extraordinary in my life. *sigh* I think I'm going in circles again.

I think I have a lot of self-discovering to do. I have to figure out as soon as possible where my heart is. I have to find a clue that can point me to the right direction. As for now I will just go with the flow; cherishing the friendship that I have, appreciating every bits and pieces of my life and at the same time enjoying every single second of it. I decided to try out every possibility and chances that i have until i discover the real ME.

I hope one day my prayers will be answered by Allah. Amin.

3 Responses
  1. Asiela Hamid Says:

    hey, this is a good start!

  2. thx!
    skrg ni aku plan maen rempuh je ape yg ade dpn mata

  3. Asiela Hamid Says:

    ok, i'll support u all the way!!